Review — Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life Together (Mark & Grace Driscoll, Thomas Nelson 2012)
In Part 1 I addressed what I consider to be the minor objections to the Driscoll’s book, those that would not necessarily keep someone from reading it. I also addressed the first of the major objections, which is whether such things as anal sex, oral sex, manual stimulation, and other sex acts between married couples should be discussed in public at all.
The other Major objection relates to the method that the Driscolls use to determine “Can we _____?” Whether or not such things are discussed in public, reason suggests that they should be addressed somehow, and responsible Christian leaders ought have a way to work through these questions with their members, or for members to work through them themselves.
The Driscolls propose a sort of “grid” through which to view questions of which sexual activity is permissible for Christian married couples. Scripture is clear about what sorts of sexual behavior are forbidden, but does not detail what things marries couples can do.
Their “grid” is to ask three questions derived from Paul’s statement to the Corinthians (1Co6:12): Is it lawful? Is it helpful? Is it enslaving? Many have criticized using this method, or apparently, of using any method at all. Yet where Scripture is silent on specific behavior, we haven’t many alternatives. Some might suggest using the Regulative Principle or its variants (most commonly used regarding worship), which propose that behavior that is not commanded in Scripture is forbidden. Hence, oral sex and all the rest — even between married couples — would be off limits. Yet we need also realize that applying such a principle too rigidly would leave us no longer celebrating Christmas, and might jeopardize even the most mundane intercourse, since Scripture never gives us the mechanics of how “she lay with him.”
A Normative Principle might be better here, which suggests that whatever is not prohibited is permissible. “Permissible” might then relate to the Driscolls’ first question, Is it lawful?
Using the Driscolls’ grid, there could be legitimate disagreement over the application to specific situations and conclusions drawn from them. For example, there could be disagreement regarding what is lawful for married couples. The Driscolls argue that Scripture’s prohibition of sodomy does not limit married couples, with which some might disagree from the standpoint of interpretation.
Further, the Driscolls don’t spend quite enough time explaining the lawful/helpful/enslaving criteria, which leaves much of the application of their grid open to too much interpretation. For example, when addressing cosmetic surgery, the lawful/helpful/enslaving falls a bit flat, and omits — as one commenter rightfully suggested — the ‘heart issue’ involved. That is, cosmetic surgery (and other sex acts) might pass the lawful/helpful/enslaving tests, yet still fall short if the desires of the heart for engaging in them are anything other than the glory of God in marital relations.
Conclusion
It seems that much of the criticism of Real Marriage is overblown, perhaps the product of lingering Victorian tendencies to avoid embarassing talk. And it is also possible that Mark Driscoll’s reputation precedes him, and fuels the rush to treat this material in light of prior disputes.
The Driscolls’ aim is to strengthen marriage, and if used wisely the material largely accomplishes this. They pull no punches in challenging men and women to fulfill biblical roles and responsibilities in marriage, which is more than many other books and well-known examples give us.
However, if I were to suggest a general text on marriage, this would not be first on my list, simply because there are others that are better written, and because I would hesitate to suggest the Chapter 10 material to just anyone. For someone dealing with Chapter 10 issues, though, I might suggest this as material to work through with me in pastoral counsel (most pastors would object to this suggestion), so that I could add to the Driscolls’ lawful/helpful/enslaving grid the important matter of the heart’s desire.
