Review — Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life Together (Mark & Grace Driscoll, Thomas Nelson 2012)
At first, I thought I must have picked up the wrong book. But I’d been reading too long, so I figured that I had received one of those freak printing errors that put the wrong cover on, like opening War and Peace only to read Watership Down. But then I hit Chapter 10 — the Chapter 10.
Mark and Grace Driscoll have received much attention — frequently negative — for their book, so any review unfortunately should address the negative press at least in part. Generally speaking, the Driscolls aim in Real Marriage to address issues of weakness in Christian marital relationships, covering the standard spectrum of topics germane to biblical marriage, with an aim to improving them biblically. It is where they divert from the norm — infamous Chapter 10 — and discuss permissible sex acts within marriage that they run into opposition.
Broadly, criticism of Real Marriage can be categorized as Minor objections and Major opposition. This post will address the minor objections and the first major objection.
Minor Objections
Mark Driscoll refers briefly to receiving some sort of vision, or knowledge, from God on certain topics and regarding certain people. These revelations are apparently used by Driscoll to confront a member’s hidden sin and to counsel him about it. The criticism is that he claims to receive information from God and that the information is usually about sexual sin. One may legitimately want to know more about this, but it does not figure prominently in the book and should not cause anyone to avoid reading it.
The Driscolls reveal an episode of sexual sin in Grace’s single life that caused friction in their marriage. The criticism is that Mark does not honor Grace in revealing this information, and that he presents himself as without fault. Yet the Driscolls point out that they demonstrate problems in their own lives in order to help other married couples with theirs. Perhaps they went into too much detail on this point, but again, this is not a reason for wholesale rejection.
Other objections — such as that Mark inconsistently complained that Grace cut her hair — seem to be examples of the diligent picking of nits, and amount to little more than the other Minor objections: red herrings.
Major Objection 1
Chapter 10 is the basis of the Major objections levelled against Real Marriage. It is the “Can we _____?” section in which the Driscolls address anal sex, oral sex, manual stimulation, and a host of other bedroom activities between married couples that people just don’t discuss in polite society.
Which is precisely the problem with the first objection: in case you haven’t noticed, we don’t live in polite society. This first major objection to the Driscolls’ book is that no believers should be discussing such things, especially prominent pastors with large churches who sell lots of books. But we do need to discuss things such as these, because the world is discussing them, and if pastors think that their members don’t deal with these things on some level, they are mistaken. For people who were once unsaved and acting as the world with regard to sexual activity — in which anything goes — the conversion to holy living in Christ raises questions about what still goes. It is much better for a believer’s pastor to address those things than the man on the street, or the MTV reality show hotline.
The legitimate question on this point is whether it is proper for a pastor to address these things on a national stage, rather than in a private counseling session. Propriety might suggest that such an open forum should be avoided. But pastors should ask themselves how available they are to their members for these discussions. Do their members ask about these things? What would the pastor do if they did?
More than likely, the church’s attitude toward sex-talk has caused even faithful, sincere believers to find sex answers somewhere other than their spiritual leaders. The sexual relationships of married couples are part of the Lordship of Christ, to be entered to the glory of God. Pastors and other church leaders should be prepared and willing to discuss this aspect of discipleship with those they lead.
In Part 2 I discuss the second major objection, and my conclusion regarding Real Marriage.
